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Earlier this week I received a message from a childhood friend asking me to respond with anything I could share that may provide comfort after losing her Dad. As a Death Doula, I advised her to be selfish with her self care right now and allow those feelings to be felt as they arise. As her friend, I advised her that grief is ongoing and no one experiences it like the person going through it, so only the individual knows how and when they feel ready to move through the stages associated with it.

This is because grief is a deeply personal and often overwhelming experience. There are also many types of loss that can cause us to experience grief. Whether it stems from the death of a loved one, the death of a significant relationship, or the death of a dream or chapter of life, the process of grieving is complex and unique to each individual. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that can feel isolating and confusing, but understanding the stages of grief can provide clarity and comfort in navigating this challenging time.

In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, introduced the now-famous “Kübler-Ross Model,” outlining five stages of grief that many people experience when faced with loss. While these stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—can provide a helpful framework, it’s important to understand that grief is not linear. People may move through these stages in different orders, experience them simultaneously, or skip some altogether. Grief is as individual as the person going through it, and it’s important to honor your own journey.

In this blog, we’ll explore the stages of grief in more detail, offering insight into what each stage might look like and how to navigate the difficult emotions that accompany them. We’ll also discuss coping strategies to help you through this challenging time and provide resources for support, emphasizing that seeking help is a healthy and necessary part of the grieving process.

Stage 1: Denial

Denial is often the first reaction many people experience when faced with loss. It can be difficult to accept the reality of the situation, especially if the loss is sudden or unexpected. Denial serves as a defense mechanism, allowing the individual to gradually come to terms with the painful reality of their situation.

In this stage, a person may feel numb or detached, as if they’re in a dream or watching events unfold from a distance. Thoughts like “This can’t be happening” or “This isn’t real” may dominate their minds. Denial helps to protect the person from being overwhelmed by the emotional pain, giving them time to begin processing the reality of the loss at their own pace.

However, denial can also delay healing if it’s not eventually addressed. While it’s important to allow yourself to experience the initial shock, it’s equally crucial to acknowledge the loss and begin to confront the emotions associated with it. Pushing away the reality for too long can create a barrier to fully grieving and healing.

Coping with Denial:

Allow yourself time to absorb the reality of the situation. It’s okay to take things slowly, one step at a time.

Seek support from trusted friends or family members who can help you face the truth when you’re ready. Sometimes, it can seem as if others have gone on with life so, you may feel hesitant to reach out but, keep in mind that people can avoid bringing it up because they don’t want to upset the person grieving or they just don’t know how to help. If you initiate a conversation, you may be surprised at how open people are to listening or to the comfort you can receive from just being able to share how you are feeling. If approaching those close to you is difficult, try seeking someone in a community group you’re a part of, a clergy member, therapist or grief counselor.

You may also find it helpful to practice mindfulness or meditation to stay grounded in the present moment, even when your mind may be trying to escape the reality of the loss.


Stage 2: Anger

As the reality of the loss begins to sink in, feelings of frustration, helplessness, and anger often arise. This stage can manifest in many different ways—anger at the person who has passed, at the circumstances surrounding the loss, or even at oneself. Individuals may ask, “Why did this happen to me?” or “Why didn’t I do something to prevent this?”

Anger is a natural response to loss, as it is often tied to the feeling of injustice or unfairness. People may also feel anger toward others who seem to be coping better, or they might become irritated by well-meaning but insensitive comments from others. The anger may feel intense and overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that it is a normal part of the grieving process.

While anger can sometimes be directed outward, it can also turn inward, manifesting as guilt or self-blame. Feelings of regret or wishing that things had gone differently are common during this stage. It’s important not to let this stage consume you with things you think you could’ve changed. It’s a defense mechanism your brain uses to try and find a logical reason to explain how this could happen but blaming yourself is only extending the grieving process.

Coping with Anger:

It’s important to not let anger consume you. It can manifest into health ailments and deplete your energy. Try to seek out healthy outlets for your anger, such as physical exercise, journaling, or speaking with a counselor. Or if you have a favorite hobby that calms you, you can spend time focusing on that.

Express your feelings with someone who is supportive and willing to listen without judgment. Again, this goes back to friends, family, clergy or other community members you’re comfortable with as we previously, mentioned.


Stage 3: Bargaining

In the bargaining stage, a person may attempt to make deals or promises in an effort to reverse or avoid the loss. It’s common to feel as though you would do anything to bring the lost loved one back or to change the circumstances that led to the pain. Thoughts such as “If only I had done this differently” or “I will be a better person if I can just get through this” often surface.

Bargaining often occurs as a way to regain control over a situation that feels uncontrollable. It’s a way of attempting to reverse the loss or make sense of it by trying to negotiate with the universe, fate, or God. This stage can be mentally and emotionally exhausting because it involves a lot of “what if” scenarios and can be filled with regret or guilt.

However, bargaining also provides an opportunity to express feelings of hope. People in this stage often feel that if they can just change one aspect of the past or future, the situation can be fixed, which can provide a temporary sense of comfort.

Coping with Bargaining:

Recognize that bargaining is a normal part of grief, but try to accept that some things are beyond your control.

Practice self-compassion and forgive yourself for perceived shortcomings. You did the best you could under the circumstances.

Reflect on your memories and cherish the time you had with your loved one rather than focusing on “what could have been.” Focus on what lies ahead maybe by planning a celebration or memorial project in honor of the person who passed away or in honor of the chapter you are ending.


Stage 4: Depression

The depression stage of grief is characterized by profound sadness, loneliness, and despair. As the reality of the loss sets in, it’s common to feel overwhelmed by sadness and to experience feelings of hopelessness. You may withdraw from social interactions, feel emotionally numb, or struggle with feelings of worthlessness.

In this stage, a person might grapple with the permanence of their loss and feel as though they will never feel joy again. It’s important to recognize that depression in the context of grief is a natural response to loss and doesn’t necessarily indicate a more serious mental health condition. However, if feelings of sadness persist for a long time or become overwhelming, it may be helpful to seek professional support, through a conversation with your doctor, counselor or therapist.

The depression stage can be one of the most challenging, as it often involves confronting the deep pain of loss. However, it is also an opportunity for healing, as individuals begin to process their grief more fully and begin to adjust to life without their loved one.

Coping with Depression:

Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment. It’s okay to cry, feel sad, or simply be angry.

Reach out to a counselor or therapist if the sadness feels too overwhelming or persistent.

Take care of your physical health by maintaining a routine, eating well, and getting adequate sleep. Exercise, even if it’s just a short walk, can help alleviate some feelings of sadness. Read a book, make some tea, or spend some time in nature.


Stage 5: Acceptance

The final stage of grief, acceptance, is often misunderstood as a moment when the individual “moves on” or “gets over” their loss. In reality, acceptance is about coming to terms with the new reality, acknowledging that life will never be the same, and finding a way to live with the loss. In this stage my experience has been you don’t ever “get over it” you just find a way to cope with the loss, as best as you can. You may even find yourself slide in and out of these stages for quite some time and that’s okay too. Give yourself some grace to experience grief however it feels manageable to you.

By this stage, a person has processed the intense emotions of grief and has found a way to move forward. Acceptance does not mean forgetting the person or the loss, nor does it mean feeling “okay” all the time. Instead, it involves finding peace with the reality of the situation and being able to function in everyday life while carrying the memory of the loved one with you.

Acceptance is a process, and it may take time. It is not an endpoint, but rather an ongoing journey of learning to live in a new way, incorporating the loss into your daily life.

Coping with Acceptance:

Engage in activities that bring you joy and meaning, even if they don’t feel the same as they once did.

Create new routines or traditions that honor the memory of the person you’ve lost.

Seek support when needed, and remember that healing is a lifelong journey.


Navigating Grief: Finding Support

While the stages of grief provide valuable insight into the grieving process, it’s essential to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving. Each person’s experience of loss is deeply personal, and the journey can be different for everyone. It’s important to be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and at your own pace.

Grieving is not something that you simply “get over.” It’s a process of adaptation, where you learn to live with the absence of someone or something you’ve lost. It’s okay to seek support along the way, whether it’s from friends and family, support groups, or mental health professionals. Many people find that talking to others who have experienced similar losses can be incredibly comforting.

Here are some resources that can help you navigate the grieving process:

Therapists or counselors who specialize in grief and loss can offer support and help you work through your emotions in a healthy way.
These professionals can many times be found at your local hospital and other agencies such as hospice or palliative care can be places that can offer support groups or referrals.

Grief support groups can connect you with others who are going through similar experiences, helping you feel less alone in your journey.

Books on grief and loss, such as On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, can provide additional guidance and support. For others, check your local library or those listed on the resources page of http://www.soulsticebynikki.com .

You can also check online forums or social media communities focused on grief that can offer a space for you to share your feelings and connect with others.


Final Thoughts

Grief is an inevitable part of life, but it’s also an experience that can shape us in profound ways. While the pain of loss will most likely, may never fully disappear, learning to navigate the stages of grief can help us heal and find peace. Remember, it’s okay to seek help when you need it, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. The journey may be long and challenging, but with time, support, and self-compassion, you can find your way through the process.

“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another…” -Albert Einstein

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